Innocent English

Here’s another good inspirational story: I AM GOD My children, I am the Creator of ALL, and ALL power originates with ME! There is no power in heaven or on earth that is able to thwart My purposes for your life as you yield to Me. NONE! Have I not promised that as you seek Me, you will find Me,...

–Do you wish to speak further with me on this subject? –In the words of an old hymn, go to hell. A human being is not an animal. Any trouble or violence, naturally I wanna be a thousand miles away from it. But cops make me nervous. Charlie Fox Dog calling Zebra four-two. Don’t call me Hiawatha....

–Good to see you, Mr. Bond. Things have been awfully dull around here. I hope we’re going to see some gratuitous sex and violence. –I certainly hope so too. –Have you got a mission, James? –Yes. I am to eliminate all free radicals. –Ooh. Be careful. –Mr. Bond, I need a urine sample. If you could...

–Do you think he drinks? –He didn’t get that nose from playing ping-pong. Everything I like to do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Get plenty of sleep. I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that was tethered outside here. I feel as if somebody...

#1-Prom is going to be Rufus! #2-What’s Rufus??? #1-It’s my new cool word. Spread it around, Darlings. (guy)When you’re my age, guys’ll be lined up around the corner for you. (girl)You’re just saying that because you’re my teacher. (guy)Actually, I shouldn’t be saying that because I’m your teacher....

…I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore! 1)All I know is that this violates every canon of respectable broadcasting. 2)We’re not a respectable network. We’re a whorehouse network, and we have to take whatever we can get. 3)Well, I don’t want any part of it! I don’t fancy myself...

-Computers are your life, aren’t they? -Yes, the perfect hiding place. -God, we’re pathetic, aren’t we? -Excuse me? -Well, we’re here. We’re sitting on the most perfect beach in the world, and all we can think about is… -Where I can hook up my modem? -Yeah, exactly. -I figured you’d be hungry, so I...

(Name) and Jay, making love. Chickapay. Even caring has an ulterior motive. Ga’ anga’! It’s called doing whatever the hell you want whenever the hell you want to, and I grew out of it ’round about the age of six! Ma says if trouble ever come, Nell and May are like trees in the wind! may tay...

-I don’t care about your weight or your false teeth. -I haven’t got false teeth! -I’ sorry, I guess they just look false. Am I right? You the bastard whose been mouthing off to my dad? He smashed my car and punched me in the stomach! Oh yeah! How would you like your nuts nailed to your forehead?...

-I like westerns, like Shane. -It’s interesting that you picked one where the hero dies. -What are you talking about? He doesn’t die. He rides off into the sunset and that kid says ‘Come back, Shane’. -That’s a common misconception. In the last frame he’s slumped over on his horse. -I didn’t know...

Don’t blame me, blame it on the bossa nova. don’t call me buster ! Everybody that’s got it coming is gonna get it now! he cant be the devil…he looks like my uncle Hi my name is Dan and im here to blow up your fucking town i got one thing to said :don’t call me buster! I killed my wife……is that...

1) Andre does not eat raw meat, because Andre is a vegetarian. 2)Eat whatever the hell you want Andre. 1) Welcome to football, Sweetheart! 2) Welcome to foot, BALL! [kicks him in the groin] A big whistle! Andre don’t eat raw meat cuz Andre’s a vegetarian Boy, you and me gonna party!! Don’t throw it...

(1) Did you fire your weapon? (2) Fucking-A… sir. (1)God, give me a sign! (2)God here… –For God’s sake, be careful out there! –If I were going to be careful, I’d have joined the Coast Guard. –This is starting to piss me off. Now cool out! –Oh, I am cool. You should see me when I’m hot. Did you get...

*Goodbye Mr Spalding* *Savoy Special* *Wonderboy* –If it isn’t enough, tell us what you had in mind. –To hit away. 1/ I wouldn’t bet against us tomorrow 2/ You’re missing the point, kid… I already have!! 1/ What do you know about this guy, Max? 2/ Not much, not too much 1/ Where’ya from, Hobbs? 2/...

…It’s such a sin.. I guess I was born, naturally born, bad 1-Delivery for, uh, Ed Wilson. 2-Well, what on Earth is it? 1-It’s beef, lady. Fifty pounds of beef. 2-Well, you just wait right there. I have to have a word with my husband. 3-Who are you? 2-Mickey. Who are you? 3-Mallary. 2-Well, they...

(Abigail hides behind meat counter) MEAT COUNTER WOMAN: Um, can I help you? ABIGAIL: I’m hiding from my ex-husband. MEAT WOMAN: Who? Baldy over there? ABIGAIL: (nods) MEAT WOMAN: You stay as long as you want. (to Baldy) Can I help you sir? BALDY: Shut up. MEAT WOMAN: Girl, I can see why you left...

–My whole life I wanted to be a cop. Ever since I was a kid watching Quincy on TV. –Quincy was a medical examiner. –You’re insane! –And you’re resisting arrest! 1) It’s not the first time I’ve been pulled over for DWB. 2) DWB? 1) Driving While Black. 1) Yo. Who’s the Planet-of-the-Apes-looking lady...

A lawyer is trained for two things and two things only. To clarify – that’s one. And to confuse – that’s the other. Congress is composed of five hundred and thirty-five individuals. Two hundred and eighty-eight are lawyers. And you wonder what’s wrong with Congress? Congress is run by lawyers. For...

–I don’t think you realize the situation you’re in. –I’ll take my chances. –I prefer to drive myself. –In case you need a quick getaway. –What kind of a dame would marry a hood? –All kinds. -How come we’re flying so low? -We’re not low, it’s the ground that’s high. After my divorce, she took me on...

1) I wanna see my lawyer! 2) What did you say? 1) I wanna see my lawyer. 2) There are no lawyers, dumb fuck! It’s just me and you, and I am in your shit for the duration! Detective Henry Oak: If you choose, in your limited wisdom, to fuck around with me and force my hand, then you’re both going out...