Innocent English

–The closer I get to death the more I realize that I love you. –The closer I get to death the more I realize I love me, too. I have no friends in Washington. I vote Republican. I tell jokes. That’s dangerous enough. I Wind Up Taking A Fall. It’s nights like these that drive men like me to women...

–O’Hara here. Leave a message and keep it short. –Channing here. You’re fired. Short enough for you? Blotz! So you wanna play hit the balls hey?! SMACK!! (the suit hits the reported right in the testicles) Tim, anything in this room strike you as odd? Weird family. Your space ship is double parked...

–For the past six months, Miss Montay has been suffering from an acute case of schizophrenia, accompanied by visual aberrations and increased severe paranoriac delusions. –Mmhumm. And how is she mentally? –I’m at my wit’s end. –I passed there an hour ago. All my life I wanted to be a hard-boiled...

–Do you know what it feels like to be watched and hounded every second? –I used to, but now I pay cash for everything. –There’s something about you, an air of…je ne sais quoi. –I always use a little aftershave. –Who’s Nat Burton? –He’s my agent. –Do you think he’ll help? –He’d better. If I get the...

( Andre Sits In taxi) Taxi Driver: How would you like to get to your destination? Andre: By Taxi, PLEASE! I am dying now?! I am not there for you, I am not there for Isabelle. Where ever I am I am never there, where I am! I am not there for you, I am not there for Isabelle. Where ever I am I am...

…But all I want is Enry Iggins Ead! 1) Have you no morals, man? 2) Nah. Can’t afford none. Neither could you, if you were as poor as me. 1. Eliza, darling, where are you going? 2. To the river. 1. What for? 2. To make a hole in it. 1. Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well? 2. Am I–?...

1:They gave you a medal right? 2:I’d rather have the leg here skip……here skipper! I was an only child. He was an only dog. Its not the dyin’ that’s scary,boy.Its the killin’. Not bad…for a sissy. Why in childhood and youth do we wish time to pass by so quickly. We want to grow up so fast, yet as a...

–Mac, you ever been in love? –No, I’ve been a bartender all my life. –We’re through talking, Marshal. My advice to you is start carrying your gun. –That’s good advice. I ain’t gonna kill you. I hope you live a hundred years, feel just alittle what my pa is going to feel. Now get out of town. Start...

VINNY: You know maybe we should spend a couple of minutes to get you know to get acquainted before we, uh…you know before we get to it. What’s wrong with you? STAN: I don’t wanna do this. VINNY: Well, I understand, but you know, but what are your alternatives? STAN: My alternatives? VINNY: Yeah....

I didn’t like her anyway! She smelled funny! I WANT THEM PANTIES!! If i see something i haven’t seen before I’ll throw a rock at it. You’re not throwing a rock at my john thomas. It’s a blue woman walking a blue dog. Now it’s time for some gratuitous nudity. Take your clothes off get into bed....

#1) Good morning, sir. Would you like to try a vanilla bran oat crunchie? #2) What do you think? #1) What the frig is this? #2) A popover. #1) There’s nothing in it! #1)I love the Yankees. Linda loves the Yankees. So does Terry. #2) Who’s Terry? #1)You are.  You know, it’s dangerous for you to be...

(1)my mother told me this on my wedding day. We women might be lambs in the kitchen, but tigers in the bed. (2)Ew please let that be the end of your story. (pushing on collar bone)I could snap you like a chicken! –How are we supposed to know what’s going on? –It’s all Greek to me. –Where are you...

Are’nt you forgetting, I’m a Vampire. that has surtain Advantiges.I DON’T KILL PEOPLE. What do I have to do kill you? No problem! I’m carrying a can of invisible hair spray. There’s worst things than being a vampire. This blood’s for you. Well, it’s been one hell of a night What better way to get...

A seaman’s a seaman. A captain’s a captain. And a shipman, Sir Joseph, is the lowest form of animal life in the British Navy. An island can be hell or a home, as we choose to make it. Friend. The finest word in any language. From now on, they’ll spell mutiny with my name. I regret that, but not...

1) Sometimes with Austin you can forget because he seems so mature. 2) I know the other day he was asking me about my retirement plan. 1) Well he cares about you and he wants to make sure you’re finacially secure. 1) I slept with a man who’s not my husband. I’m promiscuous! 2) We should redo your...

1) hey you go get some more bread 2) is he talking to me or you 3)me im the baker 2)i thought i was the baker 3) there’s blood on your shirt you think that came frome a crussant 1) You’re a madman! 2) All the more reason to fear me. 1) You’re a madman! 2) That’s the second time this evening I’ve...

1) Mom, we already have two spares. How many emergencies could there be? 2) Yeah, get three. Are we having a talent show? I should’ve brought my tap shoes. Are we having a talent show? I should have brought my tap shoes. Brian Turner Charles is a big jerk First you eat breakfast, a little black...

‘Till there was you. 1) Do you think that I’d allow a common masher? Now, really, mama. I have my standards where men are concerned and I have no intention– 2) I know all about your standards and if you don’t mind my sayin’ so there’s not a man alive who could hope to measure up to that blend of...

(1) you know they injected a rat 20 times a day for five years with this stuff (sugar). do you know what it died of? (2) holes? (1)(says this while in a pig suit) i would marry you tomorrow. i would have kids with you 2 dousins and dousins of kids. (2) let’s hope they look like the mother. (On what...

–Look, this is a mistake. You have the wrong Michael J. Laszlo. –Like hell we do. Grandpa Talbot got me a pony. I spent my whole life trying to forget what I saw. Now I have to remember. It is my country. I’ve been here 37 years. It was you, Papa. You killed them all. I saw those photos. Papa, it’s...