Innocent English

Here’s another good inspirational story: Blessings Great and Small Here in the Arizona desert where shades of browns, grays, blacks and muted greens at first appear to dominate the landscape, I live and expand my appreciation for God’s canvas. Just today before day relinquished its light, on the...

Here’s another good inspirational story: Black and Gold Boxes I have in my hands two boxes Which God gave me to hold He said, “Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold.” I heeded his words, and in the two boxes Both my joys and sorrows I store But though the gold became...

Here’s another good inspirational story: Be Still With God All day long I had been very busy; picking up trash, cleaning bathrooms and scrubbing floors. My grown children were coming home for the weekend. I went grocery shopping and prepared for a barbecue supper, complete with ribs and chicken. I...

(1) Paul, you’re crazy! (2) You say that like it’s a bad thing. (1) Why are you doing this? (2) Because life, my dear, is more than just freezing toads. (1)Water, citric acid, sodium lauryl sulfate, hydrolyzed animal protein, glycerin, U.S.F.D.A. coloring #5. (2) What the Hell is it? (1) It’s...

-…you’re beautiful, and you write so well…now it turns out you can play poker. -Well, I wouldn’t say beautiful. But I do have tremendous sex appeal. ….but we can’t have sex because I just had sex with Helen and I’m not young and agile like I used to be 2: You’ll do anything to catch a murderer 1)...

Everyone can be paid off in chips. For years men and women in this country tolerated racketeers and murderers. I was born at home because I wanted to be near my mother. I’m not complaining. I’m just wasting the best years of my life waiting for a taxi. If I can’t live the way I want, let me die the...

–It’s an interesting group of people, your friends are. –I know. –Like the cast of a Fellini movie. –Well, I’m not a saint. –You’re being too easy on yourself. 1 – The steel cube was brilliant? 2 – Yes. To me, it was very textural, you know what I mean? It was perfectly integrated, and it had a...

–Congratulations, son. How do you feel? –Like Captain Idiot in Astounding Science comics. –How much do you actually know about your friend? –I served under him. He was a good man. –That’s what the neighbors always say about serial killers. –I thought you said you lost this? –I bit someone and found...

Fact 1. Many cancer patients that are treated with chemotherapy lose their hair. For some when the hair grows back, it can grow back a different colour, or be curly or straight. Fact 2. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. Fact 3. Many insects can carry 50 times their own body weight. Fact...

Fact 1. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. Fact 2. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs. Fact 3. It is said that grapefruit got its name because it grows like grapes in clusters. One cluster can have up to 25 grapefruits. Fact 4. It is very common for...

Fact 1. In the 19th century, it was common practice for a Japanese woman to dye their teeth black. They believed that this enhanced sex appeal and maintained healthier teeth. Fact 2. In the 20th century, over three million people have died from earthquakes. Fact 3. In the dry valleys region of...

–You shot me! –I grazed you. –Well, that’s still shooting me! A little bit of flatulence,an elephant could take a shit in the back seat and it would’nt smell so bad. ATF agent Vann reacts after Andy Fiddler farts in his car. Could we just let it go?!! Andy Fiddler asks after farting in ATF Agent...

1)Can she cook? 2)Hell no! But she’s gorgeous. 1. Just tell me if you didn’t, i’ll believe you. 2. No! No, sir. I didn’t spend all summer teaching you so you could cheat on this question. 1.I want you to meet Professor Hartley, of Yale. This is my son, Charles. 2.Just call me Carl. I don’t need any...

(1)As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla. (2)I couldn’t fuck a gorilla. (1)I can’t. (2)Can’t what? (1)I can’t inject you window cleaner. (2)I don’t mind. Hey, what does it do anyway? (1)It causes your brain to die last. (2)I don’t mind....

–How do you like my island, Mr. Bond? –A bit off the beaten track, isn’t it? –How will I recognize him? –He’s tall, dark and thin. –So is my aunt! –I’ve lost my charm! –Not from where I’m standing. A duel between titans. My golden gun against your Walther PPK. Bond: And what’s your name? Girl: Chu...

(1) Hook it into the G.B.L.X.-1000 computer. (2) G.B.L.X.?! (1)Yeah, that thing ‘ll break any code. (2) But, that’s in control of our entire missile defense system! (1) Honey, will you please. What are the odds of the Russians attacking on a Thursday night?! (1): Are you an agent? (2): No, but I...

1/ We met on the level… 2/ And we’re parting on the square 1/_And then ol’ Danny fell…. round and round like a penny whirly-gig… 20,000 miles… it took him half an hour to fall before he struck the rocks, and you know what they did to Peachy? They crucified him, sir, between 2 pine trees, as...

#1-Now I wonder what scared him off? #2-You know what scared him…the spectacle of law and order here raising up out of the gravy and mashed potatoes. #1-What Mr. Peabody is trying to say is that if you want to stay healthy, there’s two way to do it. #2-Either I buy a gun or get out of the territory...

If you ever get hungry, our garden back home is full of snails. We tried everything to get rid of them. We never thought of a Frenchman! Sorry we were gone so long, but we had to pick up Hank! You have muddled everything from the start, taking that child with you from Marrakesh. Don’t you realise...

#1) So whats the pay like then? #2) They pay all your expenses, you’re licensed to kill. But there’s a down side. #1) What’s that? #2) Torture #1) There’s the women though. #2) Well, they’re nice after the torture, beleive me. #1) That’s not much of a car they’ve given you though, is it? #2) Oh,...