Innocent English

Fact 1. Human birth control pills work on gorillas. Fact 2. Humans and cows have the same gestation period, which is about nine months. Fact 3. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Fact 4. Humans are born with 300 bones in their body, however when a person reaches...

–Haven’t you tried to buy my loyalty with money and nothing else? –What else is there I can buy you with? –Heavy. What is it? –The stuff that dreams are made of. –Huh? –I haven’t lived a good life. I’ve been bad, worse than you could know. –You know, that’s good, becuase if you actually were as...

–Are you so important? –No. –How come you have a post office box for an address? –I move around a lot. –I’m getting too old for this. –You’re not so old. –You have no idea. –I’ve been thinking…In five years, I’ll be older. –So will I. –When were you in Vietnam? –1961. –That was a little early. –Not...

#1 Crazy fuck here thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts…knock it off! #2 The force is strong with this one. #1 Dude, don’t encourage him. #1 Is that ingenuity or what!? #2 What does palm reading have to do with being topless? #1 Hell man, that makes the news easier to take. She could tell...

1) They write the checks to ME!!! 2) Not in prison they don’t. 1.) You’re drunk 2.) You’re stupid..I can say that cause you’re my son in law. 1.I think you need a doctor. 2.Ya hear that Trace, we need a doctor. 3.Dammit! 1.You just cut me open and twisted around one of my ovaries to make it look...

Here are some reviews of The Dark Night, the latest Batman movie. It’s blowing away almost every critic that sees it, and I suspect it will be nominated for best picture, and that Nolan will WIN an academy award for Best Director. Heath Ledger will certainly be nominated for an award for Best...

Alan Finsten, if you continue with this idiocy, you and I are through,(long pause) your right Jane, you and I ARE through. aloha means hello and goodbye,goooooooooddddddbbbyyyeee I came up here tonight because I thought you might be lonely. I wanna go sight-seeing, your not going to make me cry...

A change is gonna come. A man curses because he doesn’t have the words to say what’s on his mind. And we will know him then for what he was and is. A prince, a black shining prince who didn;’t hesitate to die because he loved us so. As Brother Malcolm said, ‘We declare our right on this earth to be...

#1: I can’t feel my legs #2: Bubba…they aint there ‘You want sympathy? Look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.’ (Boys doing push ups) Payne: One….don’t you look dumb, Two…..look at you, Three….don’t you ever make any stupid jokes behind my back about me (MP) You know, you’re outta uniform...

(Says guys name)…let me ask you something? If I asked you to change the oil in my car, could you do it? Um…no, not really. Ok, well if I asked you to build me something from wood, like a boat…you think you could do that? Uh, no I don’t think I could do that either. So, it’s safe to say your skills...

Rick: Right Guard sports stick anything less…. Would be uncivilized. Director: the stick’s upside down. Rick: upside down. #1: I’ve never had a real girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. I thought I’d never stop hurtin’. But you know what happened the very next...

(1)I swear to God, that if you ever tank another play like the one you did today, I’ll cut your nuts off and stick ’em down your fucking throat. (2)coffee, anyone. How’s your wife and my kids? # 1: I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime. # 2: Most of...

Don’t get yourself killed. That would inconvenience me. Have you ever stopped to think why they made you a jailer instead of a soldier? I took soldiers to fight for their country. I want every man in this command drunker than a fiddler’s bitch by nightfall. I’m a long way from Gettysburg. Any...

1. don’t you understad?! this means nothing to me! 2. it used to mean so much. 1. You remember me??? 2. No, but i’ll sure has hell try 1.) Hey 2.) Hey yourself. 1.) I was looking for you.. are you ok? 2.) About as ok as anybody could be in this situation. 1.) Nifty huh? 2.) Yeah 1.)Did you…. did...

–Do I look stupid as you think I am? –Yes. I mean no. What are you talking about? –How is your relationship with the Latin community? –Excellent! He speaks Latin-Spanish! –Marisa Ventura. Housekeeping. –Chris Marshall. Candidate for Senate. I’d appreciate your vote. –We’ll see. 1) this can’t...

A Man’s got to know His Limitations –Excuse me, Captain. I know this may sound silly, but can you fly? –No, never had a lesson. –Well, I just work for the city, Briggs. –So do I. Longer than you, and I never had to take my gun out of its holster once. I’m proud of that. –You’re on loan to Stakeout,...

–I’m sick! –Stay that way. ….And know it’s not dangerous to confuse children with angels. 1) I used to be smart. Now I’m just stupid. 2) Shall we drink to that? 1) Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up! 2) Let me call you a car Linda. 1) No you must really shut the fuck up, now, please, shut the fuck...

– Just like a fella I knew back home who feel off a 10 story building……. – What happened????? – All the way down, people on each floor could hear……. so far so good…….. so far so good…. – Somehow I don’t think you’ve solved my problem. – Solving your problems isn’t our line. – We deal in lead ,...

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Good Art quotes: Best famous quotes about Art I don’t have big anxieties. I wish I did. I’d be much more interesting. – Roy Lichtenstein I like to pretend that my art has nothing to do with me. – Roy Lichtenstein The arts are an even better barometer of what is happening in our world than the stock...