Innocent English

….This dancing dingus of delight, this jerky circle of gaiety, is proving to be the toy of choice of most American youngsters. — Whoa-ho! Did I say youngsters?! Here’s mom taking a break from her household chores…. I didn’t expect all this hoop-la. Martinis are for squares, man. Safety glass. Sure,...

(1) Six hundred seventy-three Wongs in the phone book. (2) Helluva lot of Wong numbers. Look up Chin. (1) The last ingredient in the recipe is da Vinci’s model of a helicopter. (2) On display for three days only in the Louvre in Paris. (3) As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin? (catches cigarette...

–You’re an unprincipled young man, Hud. –Don’t let that worry you none. You got enough for the both of us. failure to communicate Happens to everybody. Nobody gets out of life alive. Honey, the only question I ever ask any woman is, ‘What time is your husband coming home?’ How many honest men you...

1. I want you to look into the future and tell me what you see! 2. I see MYSELF walking out that door!! 3. Yeah! Me too!! All right now, on the double here. I want this guy. The suspect is three-foot-one inches tall. Three-foot-two, thank you. You heard me. He’s armed. That means he’s got a weapon,...

(J. B. Biggley): I realize that I’m the president of this company, the man that’s responsible for everything that goes on here. So, I want to state, right now, that anything that happened is not my fault. –How long have you been in the mail room? –Twentry-five years. It’s not easy to get this...

–Don’t be such a baby. It’s only a flesh wound. –Happens to be my flesh. –I don’t very much if Van Gogh himself would have gone through so much trouble. –He didn’t have to. He was Van Gogh! 1) For a burglar, you’re not very brave are you? 2) I’m a society burglar, I don’t expect people to rush...

–What do you call it when you hate the woman you love? –A wife. Acquit me on the grounds of justifiable homicide. I’ve been married for forty years and I don’t regret a day of it. The one day I don’t regret is August 2, 1936. My wife was visiting her ailing mother. Indeed, I did slip her a mickey....

–I want to marry Rockefeller. –Which one? –I don’t care. Gentlemen, to our wives. I’ve always liked older men. Look at Roosevelt, look at Churchill, look at that old fellow, what’s his name in ‘The African Queen’ – absolutely crazy about him. Men aren’t attentive to girls who wear glasses. Most...

#1 True or False…?? #1 All is fair and love and war…??? #2 True. #1 Great Anwser… (AS SHE PUTS TISSUES UNDER HER ARMS) I sweat when im nervous (singing) and do you want everyone to know your lovemaking is laaaaame? 1) I can’t write this article 2) Is your computer broken? 1) No I’ve just really...

1.) Well… look at you Halley 2.) Well, that’s hard to do without a mirror isn’t it? 1.) Honey you keep getting prettier every day 2.) I have no idea how you could say that because you definitely don’t see me every day. And yesterday, oh my god I was so ugly and last wed. That sucked too, so it’s...

-It smells in here!..Like Bdussy! –What the hell is that? -Booty dick and pussy 1) Face it, your girl is SWEATIN me! 2) She SWEATIN you because you need some A.C. up in this mother fucker! 1) Oh, who is she? Who is she? 2) I’m am his woman. Who are you TRAMP! AAAAAAHHH! I know that this bitch, is...

All the Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not. The Grinch hated Christmas — the whole Christmas season. Oh, please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or maybe his head...

1)Probably cause they’re plastic! But ask me if I care. 2) Do you care? 1) Hell no! I look good in these! Cassandra the ho! Cassandra the 360 degree ho! Don’t scare the white people! How do black women move their heads sideways like that…?? Is that a genetic proviso..?? Share wit cha friends. This...

(1)Yo Ivory! (2) Talk to your boy -I didn’t know you had dreads!And what is that on yo face? -Brotha just extensions put in today…they tight, right? -Where? Between your eyes? What?! What is that!?!?! -It’s the mark of Buddha -It’s the skid mark of Buddha…. it looks like he took a dump in the...

… and he looked at me- and he smiled. 1) You are so nuts! 2)An you are so sane!It’s perfect! 1) You told them I was SORRY? 2)Well, you did say you regretted the situation. 1) You’re interesting. 2)Really? 1)Yeah, you’re so- average. 1)And then came Maui. 2)What happened in Maui? 3)Gwen might as...

#1: My daughter is getting weirder and weirder. #2: Oh don’t worry she’ll grow out of it. -*friend*What does that stand for? -*kevin*OH! the Gaming foundation of uh Harlem. -*friend*I’ve heard of that, its a charitable organization? -*kevin*You said it! -*old man*What does that GFH stand for?...

Boy the last time I saw you you was his size,and boy the last time I saw you you was his size and the last time I saw you you had a quarter pound of doodle in your drawers. Damn kid shes fine. Goddammit I knew I knew you I even remember your name they used to call you jawbone. Oh oh oh you let them...

Don’t say nothin. If you see me in the street just don’t say nothin. Freeze, negroes! Hey, you- Eraserhead- I don’t know why them parent be namin them kida them african names, Knowin damn well they aint from Africa i guess we would smell like p*ssy to a bunch of D*CKS!!! I told you to go over...

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New wrinkle on an old theory for treating schizophrenia. 19th Century, I think: what would drive a sane man mad should make a madman sane. The Vannacutt version was: bombard the patient with aural and visual stimuli far more frightening than any hallucination they could ever produce, it’d...