Innocent English

how do you know there’s not a conspiracy?! like maybe the x-files is right. where do all these movies come from anyway? how do we know spielberg, lucas, sonnenfeld, emmerich haven’t been visited by aliens? maybe they’re aliens themselves…maybe they’re simply preparing us for what’s to come....

–No place like home. –What? –I said have you ever been to Rome? –There’s a Bergman film in the neighborhood. –I don’t feel like getting depressed tonight. I want a divorce! No bath. People drown in bathtubs. The postman came with a letter and told me that the Great Society was having a war on...

If I were to send you flowers where would I… no, let me rephrase that. If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful? We are a covert anti-terrorist team that is so secret, when we snap our fingers NOTHING HAPPENS! ‘Isn’t this religious, ah yes. The eternal struggle between good and...

A guitar beats a woman ever’ time! A guitar beats a woman every time. He lives on a diet of nitroglycerine. He’s got the courage of his ignorance. I put my whole self into everything I do. I’m Mr. Me, Myself, and I. Illegal? Honey, nothing’s illegal if they don’t catch you. There’s always...

Well, I figure if you want to see if you can swim, throw yourself in the water. What’s the worst that can happen? th –So, make any resolutions? –No. You? –Nah, I figure all that stuff’s a bunch of crap, anyway. You do what you do, right? –There’s always another girl. –So, did you find another...

Break a leg. If life was fair, we wouldn’t need a Justice Department. Just An Illusion. Lipton just tried to kill me! man:Uh, my name’s not Lightner, it’s Lipton. 2nd man:Okay, Lipton.In that case maybe you’d prefer tea. Nobody cares about making movies about people anymore. All they care about is...

Fasten you seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night Fletch friends of eddie coyle gammd I don’t want to buy sell or process I don’t want to process any thing that is bought or sold jurassic park life is hard, but it’s harder if your stupid This is your life and it is ending one minute at a time....

–Do you know what’s so nice about doctors? –Usually a lot less than people imagine. –They always seem so knowledgeable. –Oh, they are very knowledgeable about all sorts of things. –Why do you think Ziegler invites us to these things every year? –This is what you get for making house calls. –You...

But first, a couple of funny signs Every day Innocentenglish.com posts 2 new funny signs and a funny quick break post. This Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones, so you can browse thru any you missed. Â Â Bloopers based on Actual Court Room Transcripts and Trial Records....

-Excuse me, do you always park in front of fire hydrants sir? -Yes -Well are you gonna stop? -No -And why not? (Takes out ID) -Oh, excuse me sir, have a nice day -your leaving -i’ll be back in a few days -no your not, your leaving, just like last time -Your mother left me -Your running away again...

Why don’t you stay out of my neighborhood and I’ll stay out of yours. You know, I don’t even really like kiddy pussy….but I’m willing to make an exception. –Like I said…nothing personal. –It’s very personal. –What are you gonna do? Shoot me? –You broke into my house with the intent to do me bodily...

Ain’t nobody can see anythin’ clear anymore. He’s polluting this town with drugs and turning it into a sewer. I don’t give up my gun without somebody getting hurt. It’s just us, Ranger…..same ol’ same Jack, you know the next time we see each other, there will be a killin’. Music! And make it sweet,...

I’ve heard the repair shop speech. People die everyday. And for what? For nothing. What do we do? What do you do? You take care of the ones you think you can save. Good doctors do the correct thing. Great doctors have the guts to do the right thing. Triphase. We’re looking for a body by now. What...

(loud whistle) Ok, everybody out of the pool! (The guys are farting with matches in the dark and Jesse walks in and then leaves.) Brian: Is this in any way attractive? As many times as it takes! Brian- is there any thing you can’t do? Matt- she can’t sing Jessie- -Matt! Brian- really Jessie- ok...

–What do you want? –Clean sheets, women, good food, hot baths, Clint Eastwood movies. Did you think I was all talk? If my life ends because of you, that’s what was meant to be. If you don’t betray me, then you’ll join me. The whole world is breaking down. The only escapes left are art and romantic...

1. Do they make out? 2. Yes, but she’s got three nipples. 1. Aren’t we a little close to the screen? Are you crazy you’re gonna to send him to China! He’s on his way to China! It took me four episodes of Lassie to figure out why the furry kid wouldn’t speak. Maybe it’s a bunch of Amazon women that...

1) Hello Regan. I’m a friend of your mother, I’d like to help you. 2) You might loosen the straps then. 3) I’m affraid you might hurt yourself Regan. 4) I’m not Regan. 1) How long are you planning to stay in Regan? 2) Until she rots and lie stinking in the earth. 3) What’s that? 4) Holy water. 5)...

–There you go, blaming God again. –Who should I blame, Phil Rizzuto? Bill now! Shoot me now! Kill me now! I’ve seen it 37 times. It’s the smiles that keep us going don’t you think? The little giggles and bits of good cheer. Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an an asshole. Rabies are...

I was possessed by a demon. Oh, it’s okay. He’s gone. I’ve flown this route before. It was on the wings of a demon. Join Us Father Lamont Kill her! Kokumo can help me find Pazuzu! Regan….Regan….come….we’re going flying, far, far away… I AM PEZUZU…GRRRR… Regan: Hi. Hi! Are you waiting for Dr....

–Who were they? –Some Michigan militant group. 1)hey you cant do that! 2) its alright im a cop 1)since when did being a cop make it okay…. 3)owch man yo quit treatin me like im tupac 200 grand this bitch better be suckin and fuckin T.K. : Yo dawg! Help me! I’m fuckin’ up my versachi shit!! A little...