Innocent English

TED: Allegra, what if we’re not in the game anymore? Allegra: If… we’re not…? TED: If we’re not, then you just killed someone real. (1) Oh God! (2) What happened? (1) The whole pod just disappeared into your back. (2) It disappeared into my back? It’s in my spine? It’s working its way around my...

#1 I don’t know what. What am I fogetting? #2 Just relax and fly the aeroplane. #1 Who’s this? 007? #2 Thats ah, Mr Grant. He’s from intelligence. (Restaurant terrorist:Listen to the sound of Al’Thar ) (Kurt Russel, talking at the Pentagon): In ancient Arabic, Al’Thar means revenge) –If you don’t...

(Lights a ciggarette) Put that out! -Put what out? Put that out on the ash tray or door handle! -Alright alright. (tosses it in a clothing basket) (referring to her car) I’m getting it back. I dont want it painted some shit brown color either. Are you telling me you formed some kind of relationship...

#1 You would fight to the death against a knight who is not your enemy, for a stretch of land that you can easily ride around. #2 So be it, to the death. 1) Merlin, where are you going? 2) Where do you think? You have a kingdom to rule. 1) But how? I don’t know how. 2) You knew how to draw the...

Pull your horns in there, boys! Nobody’s dropping an H-bomb in the middle of my beloved state! (1) If you were an alien in a shopping mall, where would you be? (2) Lingerie. (1) Not you. The alien. (2) Lingerie. (1) so what do you take fellas? light meat or dark? (2) you have to ask? (1) were not...

And now she wants to be vice president. Are you here on your own?/Yes/So am I, what a fortunate coincidence. Maybe you’re my reward for my being here tonight. Better to win by admitting my sin than to lose with a halo Deep in my heart, I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say. Scared to...

‘Human rights violations’? There is no such thing. There is only the security of the state and those who would undermine that security. –He knows we’re here. –How do you know? –He didn’t ask. –What are you going to do? –I’m gonna rattle his cage. He was wearing a bullet-proof vest. I didn’t know...

aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh the forest spirit Ah, Go To Hell. I’m not honking at You… Jesus Christ! Ashley! Save me Ashley! Cheryle mocking Scott: I don’t wanna die, you’re not gonna leave me are you? Are you Ash?? GIVE ME SOME SUGAR BABY… good…bad…i’m the guy with the gun...

‘Groovy.’ (Book) Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil! (Book Closes) Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow 1)i’m ok, everythings fine 2)we just cut up our wife with a chainsaw, does that sound fine to you? 1: I’ll swallow your soul!! I’ll swallow your soul!! 2: Swallow this! 1: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself...

But first, a couple of funny signs Every day Innocentenglish.com posts 2 new funny signs and a funny quick break post. This Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones, so you can browse thru any you missed. Â Â Â Â Check out some of the funniest clean jokes on the internet. Â Â...

–You couldn’t figure out if you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer! –So I compromised…I became a writer and a patient. Am I gonna scar? He was a very deep genius. I hate technology. I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours...

At least i didin’t drop my bike and run! Don’t say you don’t love me no more. Goddamn ape ate all my oreos…runnin’ around…crappin’ everywhere He’s an Arangatang, Ma… What the hell’s the difference? 12 ribs, Ma… 12 ribs, my ass! Goddamn ape ate all my oreos…runnin’ around…crappin’ everywhere He’s an...

1)A fish may love a bird Senor, but where would they live ? 2) Well my child, we shall have to build you wings. ‘Twas a maternal instinct. (margurite and her mother fall into vat of dye) Hah hah, now get to work. (Opens locked door by taking out hinge screws) 1. Oh! Brilliant. 2. Why, that was pure...

1)This ship is FUCKED!!! 2)Thank you for that scientific analysis 1.my god, what happened to your eyes? 2. we won’t need eyes to see where we’re going. 1: It shows you things, horrible things. 2: what does? 1: the dark….inside me. i won’t go back there. i won’t. Weir: But what about the ship? You...

–You’ve done so many wonderful, monumental things. You walked on the moon. –Sure. And you’ve walked on the Earth. It’s a nicer place. I do not understand hatred as a sport. How does one win? I like music it’s my favorite thing. I’m surrounded by the most taxing array of lunatics. If my mother had...

**they’re all running away from the naked men and Jamie falls** NO! im no gonna make it! GO ON WITHOUT ME!! *cooper comes walking up all funny with a club Vandersexxxx T-shirt on* Scotty:what happend to you? Cooper:dont wanna talk about it…what happend to you guys Scotty and Jenny: dont wanna talk...

–What are you nuts? –It’s been suggested. …she was just a girl …the perfect ending to this piece of shit story! 1/_That’s the oldest trick in the stalker book 2/_There’s a *stalker* book? 1/_Will you do me a favour and clean the god-damned hair off the soap when you’re in the shower…. gross 2/_Yes,...

I remember my childhood, freezing cold on a southend pier with me knickers round me ankles! It’s moments like this that either make you or break you. Either you live with it, or you crack up. Now which one’s it going to be? Jason: There’s no need for this John. You can keep it all. Dyke: Oh Jason...

– I’m not a fool, Plissken. – Call me Snake – S.D. Plissken. American Lieutenant. Special Forces Unit, Black Flight. Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President. You robbed the California federal reserve depository. Life sentence, New York Maximum...

(1)We sent in a five man rescue team, but within a few hours of landing on the island, all but one of them was killed. (2)Hell of a team. (1)Who the hell are you? (2)I’m your president (1)I heard you were having some demestic problems. –Got a smoke? –The United States is a no smoking environment....