Innocent English

Doc:hey whats your name Charlie: Charlie Butts Doc: Charlies Butt? Charlie: No Charlie Butts Doc: thats a hell of a funny name Charlie: O yeah, whats your name? Doc: Al Capone Charlie: I thought you were dead Doc: No I ain’t dead –I’m lookin’ for a new punk! –Good luck. –You don’t understand. I...

ernest- monster penis is nice in the butt Ernest: She told me about this troll with red beede eyes and walkes like this. And that little booger lives right, down, there. BUT! He can only be awaken on the night before Halloween. Elisabeth: Like tonight Ernest: When a Worrel. Elisabeth: Like you....

Dinner? Did you say dinner? As in just the two of us? In the same town? In the same restaurant? Possibly at the same table? Doin’ time. I came..I saw..I got blowed up. Prison guard: You want a blindfold or a cigarette or something? Ernest: No, I’m afraid of the dark and smoking will kill you. We’re...

(1) Do you have any leadership experience? (2) I had an ant farm once. (1) Close enough. How’d you like to be a counselor? (Gives Ernest a stolen wallet) It’s like a gift, or somethin’. (When checking out Toilet blockage) EEEWWWWWWW!!! Eggs-eronious! Ernest broke the sign…. Ernest, I ask you a...

*ding dong* Erin: hey!! maybe that’s Ed McMann!! *opens door* Wrong Ed! *Doctor* So you don’t have any actual medical training? *Erin* No I have kids, learned a lot right there. *Doctor* So you don’t have have any medical training? *Erin* No i have kids, learned a lot right there! *Erin*...

1)Marry tells me you’re a very nice fellow. What do you do? 2)I-I am on vacation. 14 years ago, i had an operation on my arm here, and the doctors said i wouldn’t be able to use it. What the hell did they know, i said. And i rubbed it for a half hour every day, and then it got so i could move it,...

1) Where is this? 2) Earth. Welcome. 1) Who the hell does this guy think he is? 2) He thinks he’s the bst in the game. Try not to piss him off, okay? I think he’s right. a.your late b.traffic! Arnold:’You’ll never see me again,but i’ll know every move you make’ Don’t move. You’re dead. Don’t you...

(after Saphira & Eragon kill the group about to attack Murtagh) i guess we’re even! Better to Ask Forgivness than Permission Great battles rage around you. i hated that man ’til the day he died One part brave, three part fool. Some Friends can’t be replaced. But luckily some don’t have to be That’s...

John Preston: What’s the point of your existence? Mary: To feel! ‘Cause you have never done it, you can never know it. But it’s as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock… ticking. A heavy cost. I pay it gladly. But I being poor have only...

1) You shot me! You shot me with a bow and arrow! 2) Yeah Im like an..archer and I shoot arrows and Ive got more back in my..quiver Dont Hassle me about crumbs either cuz I am on the EDGE OF THE EDGE I was so pissed off, I nearly broke into your house and smashed some plates. it’s good for you,...

Basically they just want me to show my tits right? God damn second hand smoke was killing me any way I think we should wake him up and knock some sense into him If you lose control, I will have no problem replacing you Shoot them Chief there are three truths in life: you are born, you will die, and...

GIN: Confucius say: never use a cannon to kill a mosquito. GIN: I give you the world’s tallest building. MAC: And we’re going to steal it? We’ll either both get caught or both get dead. (1) Look what you’ve done to that beautiful car! (2) Thank God it’s not mine. –Did he take the bait? –Big time....

But first, a couple of funny signs Every day Innocentenglish.com posts 2 new funny signs and a funny quick break post. This Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones, so you can browse thru any you missed. Â Â Here are a few excerpts of funny letters to landlords. The toilet is...

A good fight should be like a small play but, played seriously. When the opponent expands, I contract. When he contracts, I expand. And when the opportunity presents itself, I do not hit! It hits all by itself. Boards don’t hit back. Bolo!…Ghaaaa!! Don’t concentrate on the finger else you’ll miss...

–Are you scared? –Of what? –Of me. –You’ll never see Gracie again. –You never will. 1)Piece of cake? 2)piece of pie. Alive. All I Wanna Do. Bad Girl. Gracie: What’s ‘tainted?’ Is that like ‘painted?’ Gracie: Good, because I am sick and tired to DEATH of moving!!!! Gracie: I’m really sad.. Gracie:...

1) But who measured the first hill? 2) God. God, my boy. God. 1) Pleasant enough sort of place, isn’t it? 2) I suppose so, considering it’s Wales. 1) There’s nothing very special about me. I’m the kind of girl you usually don’t notice; I scuttle in with a tray of tea, bow my head, and scuttle out....

A woman should never learn to sew and if she can she shouldn’t admit to it. Almásy: What do you love most? Katharine Clifton: Water. Fish in it. Hedgehogs, I love hedgehogs. Marmite. Baths, but not with other people! Islands. I could go on all day. Almásy: Go on all day. Katharine Clifton: Your...

$14,379. –May I comment on something? –What is it? –Your mouthwash ain’t making it. –What do they want? –They want a car. –What are you going to do? –Give them one. 1st man: $14,379.00!/ 2nd man: How can that be?/ 1st: You want an itemized account? You took out,uh, 2 front doors, 1 front window, 12...

–I need sugar. I’m getting cranky. –Getting? –I think you’re a little young to watch this part. –Yeah, so’s she. –Planning a quick getaway? –Yeah, every since I met you. –You wanna take a poke at me? –I don’t hit senior citizens. 1) The sattilite is 150 miles above the earth and it can only look...

By late in the 21st century,the nations of the earth were finally at peace, working together to explore and colonize the distant reaches of space. Unfortunately, we weren’t alone out there. A race of non-human aliens called the Dracs were claiming squatters rights to some of the richest star...