Innocent English

Doesn’t the Navy ever run out of potatoes? I guess you’re finding the sun kind of hard to take, after the North Atlantic. I reckon we’ll just drop an egg right down his periscope. That’ll be the end of one more Nazi, huh? If the Navy ever gets a load of this salty crew in battle, they’ll send us...

(after shooting repair man in the head)…….about soup time eh? 1)God,AHHHHH SON OF A BITCH!!! 2)What happened??? What’s wrong?? 3) MY NEW PANTS!!! I just got them off a corporal the other day!! 1: How are you going to go about finding this young Russian? 2: I’ll fix it so that he is the one who...

–How do you manage it? Do you rush from one to another? –I do my best. It isn’t easy. –I didn’t know you were alive? –You never knew. –You swore a holy oath! –I swore falsely. I came to him a wirgin. If men had their way a woman would lie down a prostitute and get up a virgin. If you don’t run...

Bless me Dave, for I have sinned. I hated my father because he was so…… Polish! I want to live. I want to live. I’m talking about dying. It looks like Walt Disney threw up. Mary Ellen, if you’re going to use jelly jars for glasses, at least wash the jelly out first! Perhaps some doctor, somewhere,...

But maybe that’s how you work… You empty me of love. And then fill that emptiness. I am a jealous man. I hate you, God. I hate you as though you existed. I would rather die than see you with another man I wrote at the start that this was a record of hate, and walking there beside Henry toward the...

‘You think you’ve seen everything? You haven’t! There’s a whole world out there that you’ve never dreamed of! Thomas saw it, and it destroyed him.’ ‘I’ve seen a lot, but there’s nothing that would make me cut my tongue out!’ ‘Wait a few days.’ (1) He was doing God’s work. (2) So God ordered a hit...

(link jumps off the stairs) Stoney: Link hows ur melon bud-dy. 1)Betty. 2)Betty? 1)Betty. Betty Nuggs. 2)Betty Nuggs? 18 inch bi’s…..mine are only 4 -Stoney 1: He melted 2:Dave it wasn’t ment to happen come on I’ll go buy you some ho-ho’s 1:David going somewhere? 2: Ya I got a date with your mom...

Decide what you what to be in life and start being it. Everything I am is an illusion. Grandma: Zack! what’s my pin number?! Zack: 1234 Grandma! Now we’re gonna have to change it again! I love you. Believe me? I thought you were Mexican, not Puerto Rican? I’m just the maid of honor. I’m not the one...

In this life there are nothing but possibilities. Debra: I swear, you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets. Gina: and you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so itsprobably a good thing you went with that I guess I just got tired of being invisible I went to rock and roll heaven, and I...

‘I want you to get Mrs. Partridge’s potato while you’re up there.’ ‘I think she died, Basie.’ – Jim ‘She died, Jim. But she didn’t hand in her dinner plate. Go on. Hurry. And, Ace, don’t forget to bow to the Sergeant. I got to get out of here.’ *Aren’t they great? That’s what I’m going to call our...

Ilia iacta est! The die is cast. A great teacher has little external history to record. His life goes over into other lives. These men are pillars in the intimate structure of our schools. They are more essential than its stones or beams, and they will continue to be a kindling force and a...

I rode through the rain! I’d – I’d ride through worse than that if I could just hear your voice telling me that I might, at least, have some chance to win you. The most beautiful thing in the world is a match well made. 1) Emma, you didn’t ask me to contribute a riddle. 2) Your entire personality...

*Talking about the character Patty* I’d like to rip every single bleach blonde hair outta her scalp..gouge out her eyeballs and use here head as a bowling ball! 1) I, ah… I can only play G-rated movies. 2) Oh well, there’s nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there’s lots of sex and...

(1)I specialize in the art of origami.(2)Paper folding? **singing** Can somebody find me, someone to love? As they scrathched their newfound itches, Ella was off, glad to be rid of the b… witches Hold your tongue Ella! King edgar: Who are you going to believe? This lying little twit? Or the man who...

As someone once said, there’s a difference between a failure and a fiasco. Call me back….. SOMEBODY call me BACK!!!! did i miss 60B? DID I MISS 60B?!??!?! DID I MISS 60B?!?!? Do you ever just think I’m fooling everybody? do you hear that? THAT is the sound of shit hotting the fan…globally. Drew:...

1) All Norfolk need do is sign that paper and treason will have been committed… 2) Then let him sign it, and let it all be done. 1) Cut off my head, and make me a martyr. The people will remember it. 2) No…they will forget. 1) I am Norfolk! 2) You were Norfolk. Dead men have no titles. 1) Madam,...

(Buddy): Im here. Im in a store and im singing. Im in a store and Im siiinging. IM IN A STORE AND IM SINGING! (Manager): Hey there’s no singing in the North Pole! (Buddy): Yes there is! (Manager): No theres not! (Buddy): Yes there is! (Manager): No theres not! (Buddy): Yes there is! We sing all the...

But first, a couple of funny signs Every day Innocentenglish.com posts 2 new funny signs and a funny quick break post. This Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones, so you can browse thru any you missed. Â Â And Slogan Mis-translations from American Advertising Compaigns in...

1) Can you imagine the life he must have had? 2) Yes, I believe I can. 1) No, I don’t believe so. I don’t think any of us can He’s an imbecile, no doubt from birth. He speaks, but… it’s all gibberish. No, the man’s a homeless idiot… I pray to God he’s an idiot. Hey mister! Why’s your head so big. I...

i don’t know about you but i’m gonna grab me a fifth of tequila one of those keeno girls that could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and kinda kick back. #1-Well I’ve been to the rodeo twice. #2-Did you stay for the rattlesnake round up? #1-Yes, I stayed right till the end, I saw the whole...