Innocent English

1) When life hands you potatoes, you make potato salad. 2) Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to make with that? 3) Shit salad. 1) Where’s my car? 2) Well Jeff, it’s a little bit more serious than you’re car. 1)Would someone mind tellin me what the hells goin on? 3) Your...

(reporter): So are you girls going to the parade? (girl): I can’t I think I’m due or something… *in retarded voice* Ga, Ga, are we on cops? Are we on cops again? Dad. You shut your pie hole. You make ME hit you where the good Lord split you! ***RUNS INTO GLASS WALL*** -I hate her! -I know, I know,...

#1 You don’t love me! But (name) does. #2 I don’t love you, coz love is for girls, and girls are DEE-SGUS-TING! (*Fred hitting pigeons*) Alright which one of you taught her? YOur gonna get squished RIGHT now!!!! (Elizabeth) Hi Fred!!!(FRED) Well your wrong you know… I dont love you, cause love is...

–What are you doing? –I’m trying to drive you to the store! 1) Did you have the air-conditioning checked? I told you to have the air-conditioning checked. 2) I had the air-conditioning checked – I don’t know what for, you never allow me to turn it on. 1) Hush up! 1) Oh! You made a wrong turn in...

Cowboy desperado. Go home. I respect a man who’s good at what he does. I’ll tell you something else: I’m very good at what I do. That’s the trouble with lowlifes…they’re unreliable. When you’re talking, you’re not thinking. You know I don’t like guns. Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Driver, The’:...

(1)This is my life (2)This is not your life!! this is what you do for a living (1)For right now this is my life. (2)Then what am I? (1)A distraction –Hi, I’m Sophia. –That’s your problem. –My mind has to be out there. Not in here. So right now, this is my life. –So what am I? What am I? –A...

But first, a couple of funny signs Every day Innocentenglish.com posts 2 new funny signs and a funny quick break post. This Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones, so you can browse thru any you missed. Â Â InnocentEnglish.com’s list of the best, worst, funniest, saddest and...

Bill O’Reilly youtube video of losing his temper, freaking out and losing it. Here’s the youtube video of Bill Oreilly freaking out and losing it in a rage on youtube. On the one hand, everyone has their bad days and bad moments, and nearly all of us can think of moments we weren’t our best and...

‘I’m bananas about you, love, Niccole.’ 1) Daughter Judy 2) Maybe she had to walk Astro 1) I didn’t expect you to fall in love 2) I didn’t expect you to call into the Gap. 1) I’m sorry Dave. I would have drove him home but I dunno how to drive a stick. 2) C’mon baby I’ll teach you how….i got a...

DELIVERANCE: Mahlik, I know I rock your urula. MAHLIK: Well I don’t know what a urula is, but you sure put some rocks in it. Go Toby go Toby go, go Toby go Toby go. Hey! It’s my favourite cheese eatin’ dick monkey! Mahlik: Whoah! Careful! This is the original Five Fingers of Death over here. Cop:...

-I’m gonna strangle her. -She’s probably dead already. -I don’t care man, I’m gonna strangle her anyway. 1)He’s dead, Beav. 2)Bullshit he is, he just dropped a clinker, man, I heard it! 1)Jonesy! Jonesy! He hung up. 2)Gimme back my gun. 1)Try Viagra. 2) Viagra? I’m practically a full salute all...

Guys, you’ve got to use the coasters, else we’re no better than the animals. 1)Are you sure you never had any fantasies?…even as a kid?2)As a kid maybe…I remember wishing I could have all the Cracker Smacks I could eat… 1)Don’t you feel a little ridiculous? 2)What do you mean? 1)You’re the only one...

–Does this mean we are actually leaving the hospital grounds? –No, the Yankees are going to come here and play. There gonna throw some lights up in the rec room. What a stroker. –Great! Breakfast. I’m starved. –That’s not ours. That’s Ed’s. –Did Ed make the sun shine? Did Ed make the wheat grow? –I...

(the end, David kisses Frankie’s head) sweet dreams. -Rob, is David Gay? -No, David is not a gay 1) ‘I wish I was like you, easily amused’ 2) Ouch! Kurt Cobain. 1)oh i wish i was like u easily amussed 2)ouch kurt cobain 1= You live in a dream world 2= Don’t I wish 1=Did I ever tell you your my...

(1)bobby, what was that ‘heh’ sound? (2)’heh’ that’s the way I laugh, you know, ‘heh’ (1)’heh’, what the hell is ‘heh’? why can’t you laugh like a man? (BOBBY) Can you do me a favour? When you dream tonight, remeber it, for me? 1.) at least your mom didn’t run over your leg with her volvo. Bobby,...

1) I wanted to correct a mistake, made years ago, when I saved a creature not worth saving. 2) How un-motherly of you. 1) Sink! sink! 2) I can’t! It doesn’t get any deeper than this! 1) This could cleave a man’s skull! B. throws axe into straw dummy. 2) Like a pudding! 1) Who’s the girl ? 2) A...

–Think I’m losing my edge? –Just the opposite. It’s getting too sharp. Believing is what takes you there Death is like being pregnant. You’re either are or you’re not. Joe!!!! She wants you to meet her in the rainbow. That’s a good drawing. You want to stay in this world for as long as you...

1) My brother can’t walk right. Can’t talk right. You have dishonered my family. I have sworn to kill you. 2) Swearing is easy. 1)Did I tell you I was the Cha-Cha-Cha king of Hong Kong? 2)About a hundred times. Did I tell you I was pregnant? 1)Once. 2)Make that twice. a) Philosophy major, now what...

#1: I can’t quite place it. It tastes like… #2: Milk. Fresh, wholesome milk. 1) Oh thank god – vibrator repair? 2) No ma’am. Los Angeles Police. Sorry. 1)Do these look like the breasts of a 43 year old woman? 2)No, no. They’re quite impressive, bordering on spectacular. 1)Do you have any idea what...

‘I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING! I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!’ (Door to the cell closes) ‘I saw everything!’ (laughs) ‘I wont hurt you, little fly. All I want is your LIFE!’ (Dracula is having a dream) Dracula: Oh yes, Everything is so colorful, and the sun is so shiny. Would you two lovers allow me to spare your...