Innocent English

Dracula. Not myth. He’s real, I assure you. …I was named for the Peanuts character! 1)They are nosferatu, the undead. 2)undead…UNDEAD! 1: Sorry sport,I’m athiest. 2: Jesus loves you anyway. 1>(pulling out a cross) 2>Sorry sport, I’m an atheist 1>(presses a button and knife comes out the bottom)...

Mirror breaks 1) Oh… a foul bauble of man’zzz… vanity. Perhaps you should… grow a beard… A. Do you want to perform an autopsy? B. No, I merely want to cut off her head and take out her heart. A: My God who are you? I know you. B: I have crossed oceans of time to find you. Children of the night....

#1- If there’s anything I can do , my name if Tiffany. #2- Your name if Tiffany? #1- Yes. It’s kind of a coincidence… I know. 1)You see so many women. How do you keep them from all just runnin’ together? 2)Every woman I see’s got something special, something that keeps her apart from the rest....

…100 dollars in gold, 9 packs of chewin’ gum, 1 issue of prophylactics, 3 lipsticks, 3 pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a feller could have a pretty good time in Vegas with all that stuff! 1) wouldn’t they become so greif strif stricken that they would not want to go on? DR. Stranglove) No sir, they...

(song) Three Blind Mice –I put a black widow spider underneath his mosquito net. A female. They’re the worst. It took hime a whole week to die….Did I do wrong? –Well, it wouldn’t do to make a habit of it. –I’m a member of SPECTRE. –SPECTRE? –SPECTRE. Special Executive for Counter Intelligence,...

‘Hey Doc, these are some nice wheels. Here, what do ya call this thing?’ ‘Oh, this is a Mustang.’ ‘Hey Doc, is there a car named after me?’ ‘Naw, I don’t think they make a Possum.’ ‘WHY NOT!?’ ‘They usually don’t make cars named after rodents.’ ‘I will never blend in. I have a broken blender.’ ‘So...

But first, a couple of funny signs Every day Innocentenglish.com posts 2 new funny signs and a funny quick break post. This Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones, so you can browse thru any you missed. Â Â Here are more funny, cute, clever and witty bumper stickers and one...

All you ever had was skis. And that’s not enough. It takes more than a sudden urge to beat the Europeans. It’s their whole life we’re trying to beat them out of. Nobody races unless I say so. That’s why I’m here. That’s why they made me coach. Regard for the sport. The desire to learn. You never...

(1)Gentlemen, this is Miss Novak (2)EG (3)CB (4)CW (5)JB (6)JR (7)RJ (1) Okay! (2) OK can’t make it, he’s down with TB. (1) Oh, what a shame! I hope it’s not serious! (2) No, they’re just having lunch (Records crashing into a pillow Peter’s holding) Peter:We can’t do this for eight more minutes!...

1 Something Sacred. 2 Thank you! Cake is my world. 1 You’re single though right? 2 This is supposed to be about you not me. 1 Its been about you a little bit. 1) vices? 2)shampoo 1(so that rumor was true? 2)its open for interpretation 1)And I’m taking a break to find myself. 2)Kinda like taking a...

1) You know you’re coat’s bleeding, right? 2) Mind ya business. 1.)Give me your wallet 2.)Hold on… are you sure I won’t die for another 40 years? 3.) Well, technically yes.. bu.. 4.)come here, you wanna rob me (chases after the robber) But the first kiss..the first kiss is like double dutch..you’re...

( after electrician has just been electrected) that boys observed a lot of voltage (1)What do you think about our boat?(2)I feel I need a tetanus shot just from looking at it. The only thing holding it together… are the bird droppings, sir. …it can’t be easy for Lieutenant Lake to be thrown into a...

California girls. Call 911! Call 911! Dave:) You could have pissed right here! Barbara): Dave, he did! He pissed all over the joint. I ate garbage last night and I liked it. Good, you can eat garbage again tonight! I just saw our son in a tutu. That is the cherry on the top of my day. I love L.A....

1) You play golf right? 2) No man how ’bout you come down here and show me. 1) Well here’s a little lesson from Tiger FORE! A fat woman wanna be skinny. A midget wanna be tall, and you wanna be white after your done with us down-trotten’, hood- recipients you wanna kick us to the curb, throw us to...

(1)Hey, so after this is done do you wanna go get a drink or something? (2) Yeah sure I just have to check in with my parole officer (3) You were in jail? (4) No prison there is a difference (5) Why too many parking tickets? (6) No I was convicted of murdering my husband. -i just have to check with...

–Tell me, Walter, on this insurance, how much commision do you make? –Twenty percent. –We’re both rotten. –Only you’re a little more rotten. –Where would the living room be? –In there. But they keep the liquor loked up. –That’s all right. I carry my own keys. -Have you made up your mind? -Mr....

(Boater guy comes out of the room behind Chad, who’s carrying a box of Congac) Boater – Hoo dah hell ah YOO? Chad – Uhh.. Alex… here’s the case of congac for Mr. Zhang… Boater – …Alex? Chad – Yah… box of Congac from (unnecessarily flicks the box) Marselle (Bolo Young gets up after being knocked...

–What do you want? –I want Sally-boy’s head on a silver platter. First guy to die, loses. He got dirty. He got killed. Hey, Spielberg…Do you have a tripod for that thing? How straight do you have to be in this world, Billy? I’m your bridge to the 21st century. Mutts don’t have major medical. Sally...

-I don’t know if I want to take acid. -Relax, it’s peyote. …waiting … for the medicine 1- I’m afraid of my father. 2- Then maybe you should kill your father 1-I just have one more thing to say to you Jim Morrison, you just ruined another Thanksgiving(throws potatoesin Jim’s face)You killed my duck,...

(1) Do you want to tell Mom and Dad why you stopped taking your medication? (2) You are such a fuckass! (1) I think about fucking a lot (2) What else do you think about? (1) Married With Children (2) You think about your family? (1) I turn the volume down and think about fucking Christina Applegate...