Innocent English

1/_I was reading a book the other day….. 2/_Reading?!… a book!? 1/_Yes, It’s all about civilization or something… A nutty kind of a book…. Do you know that the guy says that machinery is going to take the place of every profession? 2/_Oh, my dear, that’s something you need never worry about. Ed...

–I heard he’s going to law school. –That’s what I mean, nobody wants to make an honest buck. –Just pick any record. Any record. Okay, what’s the hit side? –Good Golly Miss Molly. –Okay. Now ask me what’s on the flip side. –What? –Just, just ask me what is on the flip side, okay? –What is on the...

–I bet you wanted to have your picture at the Post office too. –Sure did. –What about Social Security? –Well, it could ruin the country. If people want money, they ought to go to work. –What do you think about the new president, Johnny? –I like him. I like the New Deal. I like the NRA. I especially...

1.Ok, he’s bigger than you are, he’s stonger than you are, he’s younger than you are, and he hasn’t already fought 20 rounds, but you remember one thing…you are black. 2.What the hell’s that supposed to mean? 1.I don’t know, it’s supposed to be a roots kind of a thing… 2.He looks awfully mad, did...

1)You live here, at a hotel? 2)My mom got it as a divorce present. I’m not supposed to kiss girls or touch myself. My sister Gwen should have been a nurse, she’s always making some guy feel better! Sometimes I thought my mother was smart and really beautiful, Other times I worried that a nest of...

(1) you’re a racist! you don’t like me cuz i’m white! (2) i don’t like you cuz you’re gonna get me killed! (1)Let GO! You’re doin it wrong! (2)Well you got your thumb up your ass ya dumb… (1)Say it! Say it! Say it! You were gonna call me a nigger weren’t you? (2)No! (1)What were you gonna call me...

‘Why does this keep happening to us?’ (1) So you like that one huh? How ’bout you give me twenty bucks for it? (2) How ’bout I let you live? (1) Man sure knows how to bargain. –Isn’t technology wonderful? –My husband doesn’t think so. -How are ya, Marvin? -I’ll be damned if I’m gonna clean up this...

(Powell) I’m at Nakatomi Plaza. They’re turning my car into Swiss cheese! I need backup assistance now! Now, goddamn it! Now! (1) W-what was that? (2) Remember that plastic explosive I told you about? There you go. Is the building on fire? (1) No, but it’s gonna need a paintjob and a shitload of...

— I’m looking for a North Korean…….. — Tourist? — Terrorist…… — One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter –Are you a gambling man, Mr. Bond? –If the stakes are right. –Do you believe in bad luck? –Let’s just say my relationships don’t seem to last. –I know the feeling. –Gicinta Johnson,...

#1: Aren’t you a little big for a stroller? #2: Aren’t you a little big for the sidewalk? #1:Let’s pretend you’re six and it’s christmas morning and you sneak down the stairs and see a bicycle. Now what is your response? #2: Holy s**t a bike! #1: You’re six. #2: Holy crap a bike! #1: you’re six!...

‘All’s fair in love and business’ – Benjamin Franklin. –Around me, if a girl don’t wear fur, she don’t wear nothin. –Well, I look good both ways. –I’m on duty. –What’s your day off? –Sunday. –It’s a big world…Must be Sunday somewhere. 1)No grief for lips? 2)I’m wearing black underwear. 30 seconds...

(1)…and if you stay, you’re just as bad as him!! (2)*hand over mouth* GASP! 1) …and if you stay, you are no better than him!!! 2) (pause)….(hand to mouth)…*GASP* 1) Listen, have we met before or not? 2) I thought you said you remembered! 1) Hey, I remember it like it was yesterday! 2) That’s funny...

(chainsaw rumbling in background) Now the way I see it, half of everything in this house belong to her. So which half do you want, do you want this half or do you want this half??? 1)He died, I went to his funeral, he was 8 feet under. 2)Six feet, that’s where they bury folks, Madea, six feet...

(1)Hi,I’m plenty (2)But of course you are1 (1)Plenty O’Toole (2)Named after your father perhaps? (1)the stiff,eerrh,deceased back there.Your brother Mr Franks? (2)Yes it was (3)I got a brother (2)Small world! (man gets shot & falls down hillside) Saxsby! Burt Saxsby!? Tell him he’s fired! –I’ll...

Do you really believe in the perfect murder? Hello? Hello? Hello? I can see this is going to be a rough evening. All of us saying nice things to each other. People don’t commit murder on credit. Suppose I tell them about the time you followed her to that studio in Chelsea and watched them cooking...

1) Am I alive? 2) No, you are dead, this is Heaven and I am Virgin Mary. 1) Still, if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not hang over fried chicken. 1) You knew about her? 2) Yeah , from last fall , right after you came! 1) And why didn’t you tell me about her? 2) Why should I make hurt like I...

I wouldn’t care if you were out there pole-dancing all night, as long as you did it with a little integrity! I’m one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight. Is there some reason that my coffee isn’t here? Has she died or something? 1.Andrea, Runway is fashion magazine, an interest in fashion...

‘Carter Back! A Shoe-In For Mayor’ –What do you want? –What do I want? –What do you want? –I wanna see your brains. A man once told me that you step out of your door in the morning and you are already in trouble. The only question is are you on top of that trouble or not? And I went on hitting her...

12’O’CLOCK. BOATYARD. TELL MARCO TO FUCKIN BE THERE… 1you want out bobby. 2What are you talking about?1you want out of the gangs, because thats what your asking for.2 leon i am always by your side,you want me to cut jimmy pocket into a milion pieces ill do it, you want to kill fuckin marco ill do...

1 Do the initials T and J mean anything to you? 2)Turkey Jizz? 1)Have you ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hanger? 2)I’m sorry? 1)Have you ever thrown a toothpick…into a valcano? 2)What? 1)Oh nothing, just making idle chit chat. 1)Hey fishy, fishy, fishy. 2) They don’t like that. 1)I’m a...