Innocent English

1)Hey what comes after L? 2)Uh… 1)Bow(hits him) don’t you get it? Elbow 1. Don’t you morons have anything better to do? (2. throws jacket on the ground) 1. What’d you do that for? 2. Because you called me a moron! 1. So throwing your jacket on the ground makes you smarter? 1. Hey kid, what comes...

All these little girls have one thing in common. You know what that is? Disillusionment. It always comes from the same thing…Expectations. The greatest woman-killer of all time. I let her use my P.O. box, and that’s how come the ad. I’m Sergeant Hopkins. Parker Center Homocide. How are you doing?...

At least i got a dream, not like you stupid niggas. Im gonna be a writer. Come on Preach I know you ain’t jive. Lets ditch these turkeys I never done this before Nigga, I known you since we was six. You aint never seen no Mazzadadi. We were friends a long time ago, laughin, rappin, chasin girls,...

…so he got me a gig in telemarketing. We were scamming pensioners out of their retirement money. Anytime I get an urge to play off the clock or so much as drop a quarter in a slot, I just reach down and feel what’s left of my cartilage. It’s an excellent reminder. Better luck next time. I thought...

#1:How ’bout I beat your butt right now?! #2:How ’bout I draw a line down the middle of your head so it looks like a butt!!! (in minus 15 degree temperatures) What’s the matter, you guys cold? It’s not so much of the heat, it’s the humidity that’ll kill you. *Kids- Sanka my grandfatHer say your the...

‘Scuse me Boss, don’t mean to interupt… caught short here (Dragline): You hang on in there, Luke. There’s gonna be some world shakin goin’ on. We gonna send you a post card… * You eyeballin’, Society??? * Just checking my yoyo, boss……. -Did you see my boy today? He was matching you plate for plate....

– See you tomorrow Kate. – I don’t want you to see her tomorrow or any other day. – Isn’t it up to her? – Get the hell out of here. 1. Cathy! Do you know what you’re doing? 2. I hope not. 1. Well I hope you like being a biker chick, because you’re not gonna see me, or my car, again. 3. Imagine...

1. Why do they call you the duck. 2. coz it rymes with luck 1.now heres the plan, when we get to the pass we’ll put on our fish costumes and pass out and extra rassion of rum for the men, that should do it 2. oh an invisible escape route they’ll never catch us now 1.Why are you doing this? 2.Dont...

I know when you come over. I can always tell. You have a certain way of opening up the door. You know, first the key goes in real quiet, and then the door comes open real fast, just like you think you’re gonna catch me at something. Sometimes I even think you’re listening to me when I’m talking on...

–What do I know about the Continential Crack? –The Continental Divide. Fresh air makes me nauseous. Hey, Souchak! Good column today! Howard, you need a lobotomy. I know what I wrote. I was there when I wrote it. It’s a magnificent country. Never Say Goodbye. Souchak has done it again! This is a...

(Senator Laine Hanson): Mr. Chairman — ladies and gentlemen of the committeee. Remarkably enough, it seems that I have some explaining to do. So…let me be absolutely clear. I stand for a woman’s right to choose. I stand for the elimination of the death penalty. I stand for a strong and growing...

The first rule in government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price? #1: I know you must think this is all very unfair. Maybe that’s an understatement. What you don’t know is I agree. I wish the world was a place where fair was the bottom line, where the kind of idealism...

(blows into glass)Welcome to my life. *He who possesses the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the entire world in his hands*____ The Spear of Destiny has been missing since the end of World War Two *Stay in the car*__ *wait here*__Men! –I need you to leave. –Okay. 1-Going down? 2- Not if I can...

1. I promise. Within reason.2. Within reason… now there’s a man. Big pharmaceuticals are right up there with the arms dealers. Don’t try to play detective. If I tell you something, will you listen to me? If I tell you that that girl over there is being murdered would you believe me? … now we...

1) (into vent) Jerry, Jerry hang on, I’m coming to get you! 2)Alice? You can fit through there? 1) David Berkowitz, Ted Bundy, Richard Speck… 2) What about them? 1) Serial killers. Serial killers only have two names. You ever notice that? But lone gunmen assassins, they always have three names....

I believe in love of all kinds I have a penetrating wit, a fanciful imagination and my eyes are almost as blue as Paul Newman’s I want you all to take a real long look at me… that shouldn’t be any hardship… ’cause I’m handsome Isaac Gravity!!! It hurts very bad to leave you. Something’s happening...

–Name your price. –I don’t have a price! I’m not a pound of sugar. I’m a primatologist! …I’m your great white hunter, I just happen to be black. 1: So why’d you quite the CIA? 2: I never worked for the CIA. 1: Of course you didn’t. But if you HAD worked for the CIA, why would you quit? 2: ‘Cause...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â More Funny, silly, weird and sometimes even hilarious Newspaper headlines from actual newspapers. Iraqi head seeks arms...

–I’ll go lite. I’m going to get the chicken-rib combo. –That’s lite? –Yeah, I’m not getting the cold slaw. Can we all stop being so god damn fucking polite? Dame Fucking Luck Doesnt matter what the con is. Insider trading, a line we got at a bookie’s club, insurance scam, whatever. Youve seen the...

-Not a quote just wanted to say that last one was from mean girls, get your movies straight don’t move on Ella: You can’t – do this, Lola, everyone is depending on you, whaddabout, your parents and Sam, Sam has never been to a school function in his life, he’s only going because of you! And what...