Innocent English

(ALYSSA) You play darts? (HOLDEN) Not professionally. You know – only in bars. Oh, she’s shy. GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!! Bitch, what you don’t know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? (1)Alright, now see this?...

!what are we gonna do. we ate the weapon! –Well now, Sheriff, it’s nice to know that you’re out here on patrol. –No, no. I’m not on patrol. Just lookin’ for an ice cream cone. That’s all. 1)What are you doing? 2) Falling in love with you. 1. Your voice is cutting through my brain like nails 2....

Cannot see contents of nut until shell is cracked. Grain of sand in eye may hide mountain. Hasty conclusion like gunpowder. Easy to explode. Joy in heart more desirable than bullet. Optimist only sees doughnut. Pessimist sees hole. Perfect case, like perfect doughnut, has hole. Page Topic: Movie...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â Here are some of Jerry Seinfeld’s funny comedy stand ups: I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell...

I’ve been buried, but I’m not dead. Most excellent case of murder. My pop is Charlie Chan. Shady business do not make for sunny life. Unexplained things happen at seances. Water on brain now leaking? You know, I got gremlins gallop up and down my spine. Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Charlie Chan...

(Looking at the shrukin child) What to do, what to do? I got ! the Taffy Puller! 2) Taffy Puller?! 1) Hey it was my idea! *smashes into the glass elevator for the second time* I should really watch where i park this thing. *glass elevator is on the curb wish jets attacted to it* -Do you mean ‘up...

–Doesn’t make sense, unless… –Unless what? –Unless it’s a drop. –I like your bed. You may find this hard to believe but I’ve never slept on a round bed. –Is that so? –I’m Molly. –Yeah, I didn’t figure you for Clint Eastwood. –It has to do with this bag of money I’d like to give back to you. –So...

1 I am what I call, semi-deprived. 2 That sounds clever. What does it mean? 1 It means they lead me to water but won’t let me drink 1.) So what then? Grin and bare it? 2.) No Aubrey, I’m going to take them on…all of them, and run them off their feet! 13955 A short sprint is run on nerves. It’s...

– I’m beginning to think women make the best spies. – Agents -He must have known Charles pretty well. -How can you tell? -He’s allergic to him. 1) Do you know what’s wrong with you? 2) No. What? 1) Nothing. 1) I could eat a horse. 2) I think that’s what you ordered. 1)Oh you should see your face!...

…because you don’t even make the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. I am wonderful, I’m nuts about me, and if you’re stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, you don’t deserve as good as you’ve got. Necessity is the mother of calamity. The trouble...

-I’m sorry, I prefer not to shake hands with Nazis. -What have you got against us, Mr. Chaplin? -What have you got against everybody else? 1)..so you ‘betta’ listen. 2)’Betta’ listen? Thanks Charlie his favorite pastime Humor heightens our sense of survival and preserves our sanity. If you want to...

–I wasn’t bankrupt yesterday and I’m not bankrupt today! –I’m sorry, Mr. Gipson. The computer says you are. -What do you want? -Five minutes, ma’am. I owe your husband twenty. Well, I’m only asking for five with you. -You beat me up! -Damn right, I beat you up! Ben Affleck- See what I can do to...

‘Change of Habit’ All three of you? Just out of curiosity, was it the same guy? Flapper skirts on a bride of Christ! I don’t like undercover nuns. I musta said a million ‘Hail Marys’ to get out of a neighborhood just like this. Rubberneckin’ This place is not a prison. You can get a release, you...

1) What did you do that for? 2) He’s trying to kill me. 3) He’s completely out of shape, in his heart attack years, you could have killed him. 1) Yeah, right and I’m Cleopatra. 2) No…you fight like her though. Alex, i’m old enough to be your mother…now go to your room! He doesn’t want my money, He...

(boy praying): dear champ, i promise i won’t cry so much any more and i won’t bother your horse and i won’t get sad and i won’t bother you when you’re with your lady friend. 1. listen boy, if that horse kicks you then you scratch his eye out, hear me? 2. CHAMP! CHAMP! 1. now i gotta get ready for a...

(1) They’re responsible for all that plagues the white man: AIDS, disease-(2) Killer bees. (1) Well they come from Africa don’t they? (2) South America, but it’s all the same to you. -How much do you know about the death penalty? -I’ve read everything there is. -Then you know nothing. If you spend...

–I don’t care much for locks. –Nevertheless, they’re the principal reason for whatever honesty still exists in our society today. Answers to questions involving God must be carefully phased. At our last meeting, I died. It alters the appearance. Hate her? I’m afraid for her. More and more she’s the...

-Hundred bucks says he is innocent. -So you have a nationwide manhunt for an innocent man? -Make sure nobody shoots him. -So is this how you seduce all the girls? -Only physicists with hypothermia who are accused of being a terrorist. 555-2389. 555-8262. Alister was a dreamer, clean air, free...

By the river. Excuse me…is this chair being used? Goodbye cruel world! Selling your soul. Soft hearted hitman: Excuse me…is this chair being used? Man:Does it look like it’s being used! Soft hearted hitman:Does it look like it’s being used….good one…*picks up a chair and smashes it over mans head,...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor...