Innocent English

–Hey, what an enormous bed! –The German army was very large in those days. –Is he dead? –Hard to tell. He always looked like that. 1) Besides, you’re not my type. 2) Smart? 1) Single. Any thug can kill. I need you to take your ego out of the equation. Arrogance and self-awareness seldom go hand in...

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction. -So, in other words, I’m fucked. -In so many words, yes. Sam Rothstein: (narrating) At that time, Vegas was a place where millions of suckers flew in every year on their own nickel and left behind about a billion dollars. But at night, you couldn’t see the desert that...

#1-What is your nationality? #2-I’m a drunkard. #3-That makes Rick a citizen of the world. *Rick. Meet Col. Strasa, from Germany. **Is that East or West Germany. *Why Rick, you talk like Germany is split in half. You know that will never happen! – A franc for your thoughts. – In America they cost...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â Stephen Colbert and The Colbert Report: Scrambling for Truth.For those who may have forgotten, an anagram is a word or...

#1: The Piston Cup. #2: You did what in your cup? (Watching a blinking traffic light) 1) You know what? I think every third light is slower. 2) the sixsties weren’t good to you where they? 1) I’m telling you man, every third blink is slower. 2) The sixties weren’t good to you where they? Bob...

Dust thou like what thy seest? i have a poisonous asp i’ve caught some terrible long disease called a stinking cold infamy! infamy! theyve all got it in for me! Makes one feel a little… friendly Oogle. ooh shut up you silly old faggot Public orator? no it’s an unspeakable business she’s got gall...

Bottoms Up. Oh is that What it is? Could’ve Fooled me! If you take that little strumpet to the party I shall take my ankle bracelet back!…besides youve never worn it. Isn’t it funny how everything looks better in the moonlight? (answer) well its a pity we didnt have it in our bathroom earlier! Oh,...

1) Think of posterity 2)Why? What has posterity ever done for me? Ahh…semen. What is it about that ridiculous white secretion that pulls down the corners of an Englishman’s mouth? God damn, blast, confound and FUCK the upper classes. God damn, blast, confound, and FUCK the upper classes. I’m afraid...

–Where’ll I put it, Miss Collins? –You can choke on it for all I care. Just get it out of your mouth. 1. Carrie, was it one of the girls? Did one of the girls do something to you? 2. No. 1. Well, what is it then? You can trust me, you know that? 2. I got invited to the prom. 1. That’s wonderful!...

–He was a very annoying man. –The gun man? –No, the gun man was very polite. –How come I never get to be the hostage? –That’s because you’re a girl. –Hey, girls can be hostages, too. I mean, we’re moving toward the twenty-first century and girls can be whatever they want. –I’d say you picked the...

1) What would you like to see on your honeymoon? 2) Lots and lots of ceilings. As for this, I’ve seen it. Twice. You had good lighting and a bad director. Didn’t I hold your hand like a schoolboy, never once touching you below the neck or above the knee? And in five minutes didn’t a coarse,...

–To be perfectly honest with you… –I would be, if I were you. Dr. Selden: It’s the custom at these graduations to pick out some old duck like me to preach to the kids. Well, I can’t preach at you. I know you all too well. I’ve brought most of you into the world, rubbed linament onto your backs,...

…the question is….when in the world are u gonna serve SHISHIMI???? 1: Are you a slacker? 2: No… Presbyterian actually. 1: You know, if my foot could talk… 2: Easy… 1: …it would say, ‘May I please go up this geek’s ass!’ Any little fraulein who expects anything more from me than a little bit of...

….Like….errr….curry and chips… a little fuck on toast a womans place is on my face Adrian: I fancy going travelling. Hannha: What, with the gypsies? – I got a first and I smoked a lot of dope. Its hannah and clare actually. Do come in Like…errr…..curry and chips… ms Bronte Ms Bronte Oi fatso. sorry...

and introducing bravehart…..hello Care Bear Stare!!! care bears countdown 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, care Care Bears, we care I LOVE MY BUTT I’m a BEEEP retard!!! Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Care Bears Movie, The’: Quotes from the movie ‘Care Bears Movie, The’

1)Would you get out of my face you sorry-looking faggot. 2)Who you callin sorry-lookin? 555-DRZZ. I Want Get Next To You. I’m more man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever get. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is. the mo nap the mo dap You Gotta Believe. You’re On My Mind. Car...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â Funny Wedding Jokes, Marriage Jokes and humorous stories For Wedding Toasts, Sermons, Speeches, Rehearsal Dinner...

-And I know that we are near land! -Tell the good people how you know that Captain Ron. -Pay attention…when we left we had just enough fuel to make it to San Juan…and we are out of fuel!! -BACK ON THE RAFT, BACK ON THE RAFT!! -Why? -Read the sign… (she starts reading) Let’s just focus on the main...

–It’s not what it looks like, really. –Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn. -We…are dead. We are dead. -Shit. I was such a terrific guy. Keep your Goddamn head down! Okay, here it is. I have to start by saying that if there was any other way, if there was even a slight chance of another...

‘More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.’ A nonfiction novel. I have 94% recall. I thought that Mr. Clutter was a very nice gentleman. I thought so right up to the moment that I cut his throat. It ain’t his right to kill himself. It is the right of the people. The people of...