Innocent English

–Why are we going this way? –Better scenery. …If you hang on to the past, you die a little every day…and for myself I know I’d rather live. 1: Are you my friend? Are you my friend? 2: No I’m not your friend. 1: Well, see, I like to plan my comings and goings with friends, so if you’re planning my...

Of course you know certain sceptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nations’s most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let’s stay positively: Think of the fact that there’s not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding…although I’m not so sure...

–Friend or foe? –Guess! –I need a girl. –Yeah, me too. 1.looks like we’ve got a couple of wise guys behind us 2.slow it down lets see how ballsy they are (lamborghini speeds past, laughing is heard) 1.thats a couple of great looking chicks 2. so much for the border let’s nail ‘um Frank: How was the...

(mocking)’Are there any more rivers between here and Bracken Ridge’,’Oh no, only the Colorado…’ The biggest f***ing river I’ve ever seen in my life!! …a group of assholes, like yourselves, came through here. …you stupid yank! 1)Hey, you guys remember when Swan was singing the Snowman song? How did...

Big noise from Winnetka. Cannery Row has never been like anywhere else. For one thing, it’s people are different. When the town died off, most of them failed to notice. Some say nobody would live here if they didn’t have to. I ain’t got the class of a duck. I even tried taxi driving once…just...

Where’s your patriotism? Think of the Alamo, the Halls of Montezuma, the Sands of Iwo Jima, the Guns of Navaron-i. Don’t you ever fantasize about John Wayne and the Flying Leathernecks? Well, I mean not fantasize about the Duke that is , er I mean fantasize about BEING the Duke… 1.You sold nuclear...

‘Birth of a Nation’ was a hit, but imagine how amazing it would have been with a few songs and dances. And if old Tootles LeTrec could see what you did to his life story, he’d punch you all in the knee. Definitely Hall of Flame material. Fade out on director and writers confused and unable to think...

1) Check or plastic? 2) Cash. 1): Back in the 60’s, some hippies came here and turned the place into a commune. You know, sex, and drugs, and debauchery. 2): Knew I’d been here before. 3): Eww! You did that stuff here? 4): No…not *here*. 1)In the 60s they used this place for sex and drugs 2)Dennis...

All we’ve been through, for nothing but an idea! Something you cannot taste, smell, or feel; without substance, life, or memory. Be it sin or not sin, they betray me in their hearts, and that’s far sin enough. Don’t let it be forgot that there once was a spot for one brief shining moment that was...

*TAGLINE* What would you have done if you had been given absolute power of life and death over everyone else in the whole wide world? I have existed since the morning of the world and I shall go on existing when the last star falls from the night. Though I have taken the form of Gyas Caligula, I am...

(Diana)How many gin and tonics have you had? (Sidney)Three gins and one tonic. (Diana)I would like a drink please. (Sidney)You drank everything in California. Try Nevada. (Hannah)What are you doing mate-wise? (Billy)Mate-wise? I’m seeing a very nice girl. (Hannah)Where are you seeing her to? 1/When...

–Do you always take a big win this hard? –Charlie, there was no special feeling. –I have to go home. –Where do you think that is? Goddamnit, lady, you don’t throw oranges on an escalator! Gould: Bet the house on this one Segal: You’ve been saying this all week. I’m lucky I ‘m not much of a property...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Â Here are some funny newspaper headlines: Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing...

Can’t rub Ben Gay on a heartache. Chris: I think we’re going to need bigger buns Don’t rub bengay on a heartache- Roy She’s good Dude but she ain’t no Jesus- Roy hey how about i lay on top of you and see how it goes there. how about i lay on top of you, and see where it goes from there? I just...

all right calam i paid my dept the next man that laughs is gonna get his head ventilated Cain’t wear shoes across the crick! here take him thank you now everybody get outta here all right that’s enough do you hear bill hicock the funniest site i’ve ever seen calamity please please he’s mad don’t...

–Well, he’s certainly Navy. –Yeah…so was Captain Bligh. Ah, but the strawberries that’s…that’s where I had them. As you can see, Keith, I’m being relived of command. I don’t want to upset you too much, but at the moment you have an excellent chance of being hanged. I made a mistake, but I don’t see...

#1- Give me my five dollars. If you get shot tonight, I’ll disappear. Oh, I’ll come back and bury you… and mumble something Christian over your grave. #2- Lightfoot, your kindness overwhelms me. #1- You’d even shoot a dead man! #2- Nah and I ain’t gonna let him shoot me neither. — is he gunna make...

$500 over invoice. 1) Excuse me, what I am supposed to do? Sit around while you screw this guy and everything that moves. What kind of man would I be sitting around with my Johnson in my hand? 2)Well that’s about the only place it’s been. 1) You bitch!!!! 1) What am I supposed to do now? Grow legs...

Chain Gang. Gig for Bean. I got tattoos across the state line. Oh don’t you know, that’s the sound of the men, working on the chain… gang… Oh don’t you know, that’s the sound of the men, working on the chain… gang. Let me hear you say, HOO-HA-HOO-HA. Oh don’t you know, That’s the sound of the man,...

(1)He’s a funsanuun… (2) What’s a funsanuun? (1) A funsanuun is a guy who farts in the bathtub, then smells the bubbles… –Hey, what the hell are you people doing around here? This is private property! –Royette, please, please. Let me handle this. This requires a little diplomacy and tact. Lady,...