Innocent English

At this moment. I don’t know. I’d like to go home and I’d like to play with my dog. I heard someone screaming, and it was me. I’m talking love. It means she can’t be a witness for us. In fact, when the defense finds her–and they will–she’ll be a witness for them! Kenneth Joyce confessed to you that...

A business traveler should bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble. I ran out of gas. I got a flat tire. I … uh … didn’t have change for cab fare. I left my tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town!...

(About the tooth fairy) That’s actually a legitimate fear. She was rifiling through my shit. (Holding a strawberry) WHAT ARE YOU?? 1: Alright what do you want? 2: Your razor scooter and a fake id. 1: No way am I letting you drink! 2: So I can vote, dumbass! 3: You need a razor scooter to vote? 1:...

*KNEW THIS WAS A ONE WAY TICKET BUT YOU KNOW I HAD TO COME*_______ *LUV U WIFE* 1) LIGHTS EVERYWHERE 2)He’s hallucinating badly,… 1)Hippy, you think everything is a conspiracy. 2) Everything is! 1)This here is Fred. And he’s about to make our lives more interesting. 2)Fred, huh? I don’t know, I...

(1) Mercy! (2) Sorry, I’m fresh out. –Why didn’t you go to the police? That’s what innocent people do. –Sure. And that nice young man who was just here, he’d take my word over the President of the United States’s? –You’re the only family I have. –Luther, you don’t have me. A strong burgler with a...

*Tagline* Suppose you picked up this morning’s newspaper and your life was a front page headline… And everything they said was accurate… But none of it was true…. –Gallagher’s a government witness. –Wonderful thing, a subpoenea. –I’m free every night but Friday. –How about Friday? –Okay. –That’s...

Don’t bother, girl. It looks sweet but it’s gone sour. dr god fucking damn Handle your business I so crazy i killed my own mama, ate her fat-ass up like Jeffery fuckin’ Dhama i’ma, a wild types a nigga wit da comma. Is this a game? Somebody tell me, is it a game! There was a Georgetown scout out...

Niko: Oh you want to get high? Are we the fuckin’ Romans? If I find out you’re lying to me I’m gonna come back and I’m gonna kill you in your own fucking kitchen. This maniac should be wearing a number, not a badge. Who the fuck is this cherry? You think you can afford my bail? You think you’re...

1:you are probably going to need to hire a made for a couple of weeks, so you can a just.2.Can’t you stay and take care of me? All I was doing was welcoming somebody into the family. For God’s sake, don’t marry this guy! I just can’t allow this to happen! I know we’re all pretty small in the big...

#1 Deb we’re going to Irving’s. It’s a 4 o’clock dive for us kamakazi pilots. #2 Right, I’ve been bombed there a couple of times myself. #1 Hah! Quit while your ahead. #1 Listen I was pretty drunk last night, did anything happen? #2 Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha…No! Absolutly nothing…want to do it again? #1 Oh...

(Fiona): Will, am I a bad mother? (Will): No. No, you’re not a bad mother. You’re just a barking lunatic. 1) Oh, haven’t seen you in a while. How’s Ned? 2) Who? 1)Ned! Your son. 2)Oh. He’s crap. Made him up so I could get close to women. 1) You’re sick! 1.Well I didn’t think I’d have to remember...

–I know there’s no such person as Dracula. You know there’s no such person as Dracula. –But does Dracula know it? –You don’t understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf. –You and fifty million other guys. 1) You don’t understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into...

Do you want to know what my BIG goal has been? It’s to stop thinking! To not think! To not think that everytime that the phone rang, it was you! To not think that every piece of mail in my mailbox was from you! To not think that every person I’d see approaching…was you… Guy 1: Who are you? Where do...

(acid drips onto his shoulder and burns a hole into his shirt) Don’t burn me! Don’t burn me! I’m not Pinnochio! Don’t make me die! I’m David! I’m David! I’M DAVID!!!! 1) Blue Fairy. In the world of Orga blue is the color of melancholy, yet the services I provide will put a blush back on anyones...

With daughter’s friend obsessed became, Dreamt often, with her as his aim. The offspring mucked up, On verge of break-up, Rest of this world much is the same. a sense of freedom all about eve fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night Alright…enough already with the glowing, and the...

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor...

It’s not that often I’m completely amazed by technology, but this youtube video did it. This 235 pound robot dog built by Boston Dynamics can hold 340 pounds, and has 4 amazingly limber and reactive legs that never fall down, even on steep slippery slopes, a rocky dry river bed, solid slippery...

Hillary Clinton has been caught seriously misrepresenting the facts at least twice in recent days. Clinton lies about Bosnia landing (or at least very seriously mis-remembers). First, she has been caught red handed (or flower-handed) trying to pad her resume, in relation to her story of her...

March 21, 2008 According to a CNN article posted late Thursday night, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is endorsing Obama today at an Oregon rally around noon. Richardson dropped out of the race for the Democratic Presidential nominee several weeks ago, and has been open about his struggle to decide...

April 1, 2008 In a surprise news conference, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears announced they will be having a free concert in Los Angeles on July 1st, called the “Just Chill” Concert, to bring attention to Global Warming. Here is a transcript of their brief press conferenceÂ...