Innocent English

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed. Funny, Dumb, and not so Inspirational Sayings of Jack Handey (or Jack Handy) I always thought Jack Handy was a fictional...

FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR, by Mark Twain Against nature to take an interest in familiar things Age after age, the barren and meaningless process All life seems to be sacred except human life But there are liars everywhere this year Capacity must be shown (in other work); in the law, concealment of it...

HADLEYBURG AND OTHER STORIES, by Mark Twain Appelles meets Zenobia, the helper of all who suffer, and tells her his story, which moves her pity. By common report she is endowed with more than earthly powers; and since he cannot have the boon of death, he appeals to her to drown his memory in...

ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET, by Mark Twain [MT#34][mtpbg10.txt]3173 Bret Harte got his California and his Californians by unconscious absorption, and put both of them into his tales alive. But when he came from the Pacific to the Atlantic and tried to do Newport life from study- conscious...

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD, by Mark Twain [MT#37][mtinn10.txt]3176 Ancient painters never succeeded in denationalizing themselves Apocryphal New Testament Astonishing talent for seeing things that had already passed Bade our party a kind good-bye, and proceeded to count spoons Base flattery to call them...

THE GILDED AGE, by Twain and Warner [MT#39][mtgld10.txt]3178 Accidental murder resulting from justifiable insanity Always trying to build a house by beginning at the top Appropriation Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society Believed it; because she desired to believe it Best intentions...

DOUBLE BARRELLED DETECTIVE, by Mark Twain [MT#41][mtdbd10.txt]3180 “We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.” “The regularest man that ever was,” said Jake Parker, the blacksmith: “you can tell when it’s twelve just by him leaving, without looking at your Waterbury.” The sheriff that...

THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS, by Mark Twain [MT#46][mtext10.txt]3185 A man who is born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time of it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some people in his...

SKETCHES NEW AND OLD, by Mark Twain [MT#50][mtsno10.txt]3189 A wood-fire is not a permanent thing Accessory before the fact to his own murder Aggregate to positive unhappiness Always brought in ‘not guilty’ Apocryphal was no slouch of a word, emanating from the source Assertion is not proof Early...

TWAIN’S LETTERS V1 1835-1866 by A. B. Paine[MT#54][mt1lt10.txt]3193 A mighty national menace to sham All talk and no cider Condition my room is always in when you are not around Deprived of the soothing consolation of swearing Frankness is a jewel; only the young can afford it Genius defies the...

TWAIN’S LETTERS V6 1907-1910 by A. B. Paine[MT#59][mt6lt10.txt]3198 That doctor had half an idea that there is something the matter with my brain. . . Doctors do know so little and they do charge so much for it. You ought not to say sarcastic things about my “fighting on the other side.” General...

What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. * * * The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he wrote from the penitentiary to...

The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer’s. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried “Stop...

The visitor to the poet’s wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly: “I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I’ll look through all his books, and if that’s...

It was nine o’clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit. As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. [Pg 81] The car stopped, and the conductor,...

“My pa, he’s a financier,” boasted one small boy to another. “‘Tain’t much to brag of,” the other sneered. “My pa an’ uncle Jack are in jail, too.” An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman’s...

This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: “What are you bawling about, Jimmie?” “I’m cryin’ because maw has wented to heaven.” “That’s silly. Maybe she hain’t.” [Pg 119] * * * Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased to be assured that she would...

The joke maker’s association had a feast. They exploited their humorous abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a conundrum: “What is the...

Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: [Pg 156] “I’m afther havin’ a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months.” Mrs. Flannagan beamed...

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant: “Hold on,...