Innocent English

These are excuse notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s. “Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.” “Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.” “Please excuse Joey Friday. He...

 June 23, 2008. NOTE: We put this post up last year- a collection of some of the best and most inspired quotes and jokes by George Carlin. The term “comic genius” is thrown around a bit too much, but he definitely earned the title.  That we won’t have more brilliant thoughts coming from him is...

“I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.” – soccer star David Beckham, asked if he was a “volatile” player. Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.” Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music. “I’ve...

Actual Funny Country Song Titles Here is a great list of humorous, funny, stupid, dumb and hilarious song titles. All of these were real songs. Many of the titles were created to be funny, witty, clever or at least original and attention getting. A few are more accidental in their humorous nature…...

And Slogan Mis-translations from American Advertising Compaigns in Other Countries and languages In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan Come alive with the Pepsi Generation came out in Chinese as Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the grave. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen...

Actual signs from restaurants: Our great food will never leave you! Please leave a pet outside. It will take about 1 minute to fix a hot drink. Please wail. Big crap sale today! Rush yourself here! We serve people like you as good food! The shadiest cocktail bar in Bangkok. The name of a Chinese...

  Here are some of Jerry Seinfeld’s funniest routines:   I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Now why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door!...

These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book . When turtles are afraid, they can stick their head into themselves and disappear. A bottom dweller is a fish that mostly dwells on bottoms. Do you know what “elevation”...

  Here are some funny resume mistakes:   “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.” “Education: College, August 1880- May 1984.” “Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.” “Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.” “I’m a rabid typist.”...

These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book . —First, heat up your pants really hot, then add oil. —If you have time, you should suck the noodles for twenty minutes before you boil them. —Add a little fresh black...

  Here are some funny quotes by Yogi Berra   If you don’t know where you’re going, chances are you will end up somewhere else. It’s deja-vu all over again. You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won’t come to yours. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be. I knew I...

 IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ANSWERS TO “THE FUNNY QUIZ”, CLICK HERE: Funny Quiz Answers ____________________________________ School humor and jokes: Actual, Funny Answers to a quiz: A first grade school teacher saved these funny quiz answers about proverbs during a pop quiz test. A first grade...

  Here are some funny newspaper headlines:   Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung...

Here are the funniest subtitles rom Hong Kong Martial Art Movies: * “I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!” * “I will kill you until you are dead from it!” * “The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?” * “I got knife scars more than the number of your...

  Here are some funny Chinese menu bloopers and pics:   Warning to kids and and parents- Some accidental strong language on this page…) May we recommend our special tonight… Hmmm, such tempting delicacies…. I guess there’s a niche restaurant for every kind of customer… Sliced Children with...

  Some funny translations from restaurant menus:   Dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab. From a menu in China. Three cute prawns suntanning on the rice. Children soup. From a menu in India. See pic below for similar mistake Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady. From a menu in...

  Here are some of the funniest jokes compiled from GQ Magazine:   Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput...

The original “Hollywood Squares” (Whoopi Goldberg created a new version in the last few years) was a popular game show in the Seventies. In the original, Peter Marshall, the host, would ask a question, one of the guest celebrities would answer, and the contestant would say “agree” or...

More Funny, silly, weird and sometimes even hilarious Newspaper headlines from actual newspapers. Iraqi head seeks arms Queen Mary having bottom scraped Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? Prostitutes appeal to Pope   Page Topic: Funny Headlines   Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes...

More dumb Newspaper headlines from actual newspapers. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Teacher Strike Idles Kids Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead Plane Too...