Innocent English

3D graffiti stairs painted on a hallway wall and floor. A busy bathroom graffiti wall. We think of graffiti as something contemporary, but it has been around for centuries. In ancient Rome, when you had a written message for the public, you scratched it on a wall. What else could you do? You didn’t...

These are actual fortune cookie fortunes. Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas. You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly. Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment. You will gain admiration from your pears. You will receive a fortune cookie....

  Diet Water Half the fat and calories of regular water! *contains artificial water flavoring”   “This tea is really best for the person with fatty belly” Sent in by Luc M   From a Japanese breakfast pastry package: Through years of experience, Doutor Danish is produced from the finest...

These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a...

Most of these funny cemetery tombstone epitaphs came from graveyards in the old West, where it was often left to acquaintances or even strangers to choose the words on a tombstone, and where a sense of humor was a survivor tool. Some came from elsewhere in the U.S., and some from England or...

Actual Medical Record Entries Mistakes From Doctors Discharge status: alive but without permission. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. Patient has left his white blood cells at another...

  Here are some funny restaurant signs:   Our great food will never leave you! Please leave a pet outside. It will take about 1 minute to fix a hot drink. Please wail. Big crap sale today! Rush yourself here! We serve people like you as good food! The shadiest cocktail bar in Bangkok. The name...

It’s possible this ad was placed in the Craig List Romance Section as a joke. But I honestly don’t think so. I think it was placed by a very enthusiastic, straight-forward, fascinating woman ready to meet the man of her dreams. Noodles! Here are some funny Online Dating ads: From craiglist.org:...

  Here are some of Jerry Seinfeld’s funny comedy stand ups:   I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.” Whenever you ask...

Here are some funny courtroom mistakes based on actual transcripts Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? By death. And by whose death was it terminated? Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. What is your name? Ernestine...

  Here are a few one-liners from comics and comedians   Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they...

Bloopers based on Actual Court Room Transcripts and Trial Records. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? By death. And by whose death was it terminated? Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. What is your name? Ernestine...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef...

Based on Actual Court Room Transcripts of Trials. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? I will be three months November 8th. Apparently then, the...

Humorous, silly, stupid and weird classified ads from newspapers and magazines Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Â Â Page Topic:...

Silly, weird and strange country songs I Wouldn’t Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart She Feels Like A New Man Tonight I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain’t Used Up) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart You’re The...

  Here are some funny celebrity quotes   When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar Bruce Springsteen Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier The secret of staying young is to live...

  These are a few of the best funny celebrity bloopers, slips and stories:   One day on the set of Tomorrow Never Dies, Pierce Brosnan confronted Teri Hatcher about her tardiness. “I let slip a few words which weren’t very nice,” he recalled. Only later did he learn why Teri was late: she...

Warning: These are deliberately some of the worst, most painful, most terrible and most awful analogies ever written! He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now...

These are some really funny and amazing anagrams: The earthquakes: That queer shake Debit card: Bad credit Slot machines: Cash lost in ’em School master: The classroom Dormitory: Dirty room Desperation: A rope ends it The Morse code: Here come dots A decimal point: I’m a dot in place Fir cones:...